Monthly Archives: February 2013

God and His Sense of Humor

Last night I had the weirdest dream.  Now, y’all know me, I’m not one to talk about religion, well unless those pesky “do as I say, not as I do,” Sunday Christians show up beating their bibles but sin their pants off all week long…*shrug*  I might have my opinions and they may not necessarily mesh with yours, at least I can say I’ll sit and give you a polite listen.

Well, that dream last night was one of those that well, it’s like the Ant and the Boulder. Now I don’t know what’s up with me and ants except maybe that I admire them because they can carry hundreds of times their body weight without a single complaint in the world.  Maybe I gravitate towards ants because they work together as a cohesive team, one big family making sure everyone makes it through one more day.

But enough about all that, let’s get to that dream:

*Ahem* (as I get into a Paul Harvey/Andy Rooney mode…)

Yesterday was nothing eventful or special, so as I laid back into my pillows, I drifted off to a peaceful sleep.  Before I knew it, I was standing on a roadside in Texas watching the Bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrushes waving in a warm spring breeze.  As I was taking in a scene I hadn’t thought of in years, I heard a man clear his throat, and to my surprise I turned around and it was God.

Anyone who knows me knows the first thing I’m going to say, and of course he looked into my eyes and said, “Yup, it’s me.  Now before you say anything, I know you have your misgivings and you’re prone to doubt, but I figured just once I’d show up and give you that proof that you’ve longed to see with your own eyes.”

And with that, God waved his hand and day turned into night.  Something about the surroundings gave me a start and God said, “Do you know where we are?” To which I replied, “Hey, we’re on Texas Avenue!”  It was then in the far distance my eyes could make out just barely the beautiful letters that spelled “K-Y-L-E F-I-E-L-D.”

I turned to God and said, “Hey, I’ve been up and down this road all my life, we’re not a stones throw from my family, cousins and kin.”  And God said, “Yep, this I know only far too well, I was there at Central Baptist the day you got dunked and I have to say I loved your giggle when your mom slipped in the baptismal.”  We had a quick chuckle, then his face turned solemn. “But I’m sad to see your faith completely slipped away, so I’m here to restore to you a little bit of goodwill.  You see, you could say I’m not a very ‘hands-on’ kind of guy, so I’ll beg your forgiveness when I didn’t show up as you cried and cried.  But for you, just this once, I want to show you how special you are to me.”

Just then we saw a pair of headlights driving up the road, and well, the worst caterwauling you’ve ever heard was coming out of the passenger seat.  It was a man and a woman driving along in this little sports car with the woman and one of those little purse dogs both just a-yowling, singing along with the music on the stereo, the woman praising herself for the magnificent voice she had and how incredibly beautiful she was.  As we watched God leaned over and explained the scene to me.  The man who was bunched up and uncomfortable  in the driver’s seat had been deceived by that caterwauling thing – and he had begun to see that her claims of love and fidelity were just a ruse to get through to his pedigree (and his family fortune no less).  The poor guy, he just looked miserable in that driver’s seat.  Just then God produced a phone from his robes and made a call to a gal who seemed to owe him a favor.  Well, just as God hung up his phone, Mother Nature called on the driver, begging him to pull over and ease his aching bladder.

Yup, you guessed it, they stopped right in front of the home of our beloved Aggies, great ol’ T.A.M.U.

Well, as the driver tried to quickly get his embarrassing problem quickly taken care of, that prideful gal went on a sort of well ‘verbal tinkle’ of her own, I guess you could say.  She scoffed and sneered and made it very clear that she didn’t have much respect for the Ag’s.  She ranted and raved, saying that her school and A&M had been rivals for years, and how A&M was low class, how the school was awful and so forth.  It was then God reached down and hit his ‘Mute’ button for us, at which point I looked at God and said, “For Uncle Bill’s sake!  Excuse my question, but that accent of hers doesn’t sound anything like she went to T.U. in Austin, does it?”  It was then that God gave me a wink and said, “You’re absolutely right, that gal’s from Indiana, and to blasphem like that, not but a hop skip and a jump from where Tex Schramm made sure I could see my Cowboys play every Sunday!  I’ll fix her wagon for being so prideful and vain, she’s taken her snide trickery too far I say!”

He wiggled his finger right where her tantrum was the worst.  As she kicked at the ground with her bellows and wails, her foot sliced through a mound of fire ants so red they looked like they had sprung from hell itself!  Those ants went to speedy work not only stinging that prideful gal, but her vain pocket pooch as well! The driver of the car, finally figuring out what was happening, just stepped right to the trunk of that little scrunched up, uncomfortable coupe and fished himself out of his ice chest a cold Shiner Bock.  He popped the top, took a long swallow and chuckled to himself as he witnessed the debacle.  That prideful girl howled and the dog sang along with that too, until a campus cop arrived to find out what was the matter.

That poor man stuck behind the steering wheel for the sake of those two ant-covered monsters, reached back into the ice chest in the trunk and offered that nice officer a beer.  He said,”As you can see, these two have made the acquaintance of a whole mound of fire ants.  I think I can handle it from here.”  Well, as the campus cop had a giggle, he turned down the beer and took off wishing the man well, laughing his way down the road away from that caterwauling girl and her silly pocket pooch.

And as the scene wrapped up, the man looked down at his frosty bottle of beer and sighed, “What a waste,” as he drenched that poor pooch from fur to skin in fine Texas beer.  With the pooch shivering and quiet, he looked at that vain, selfish monster he had married, looked toward God and said, “What have I done?”  God said not a word, he just looked over at me and then back onto that dreadful scene.

It was then that the poor driver reached back in to the trunk of the car, grabbed two cold ones, popped their tops, sighed,”What a shame,” and began to hose down his vain and malicious wife, with one of the few laughs he’d have while married to that terrible thing.  He stuffed both woman and dog smelling of wet canine cologne and marred Texas brew to take them to a hotel where he’d sleep with his head under his pillows to escape those evil two.

It was then God turned and said,”I’m glad you listened when I sent word to you to greet everyone you meet with a smile on your face and love in your heart.  I’m grateful that you’re trying your best to lead your life as one of humble service.  But most of all, I’m so glad you know the price of pride, greed, and envy.  For that, dear girl, is why I’m here with you today.  As you could tell, those ants were no accident.  So since I gave you that one chuckle, I think you can have a little faith just this once. Because remember, I might not be very hands-on, but for those who are doing their best, not just talking about it, but really doing it…being their very best not just on Sundays, but every day of their lives.  So I know you’re into this little thing called ‘a-theism’, but do me a favor, one day when you need me the most, give me the benefit of the doubt.”

As God turned and walked away, I heard him gently say, “Keep your chin up, I’m never far away and remember…I’m always watching.”