Disclaimer: I’m writing this piece purely for comical value.
On Tuesday, I made a conscious decision to make time for some needed personal up-keep. Now if you think about it, the beauty industry makes some serious dollars off of women everyday, but to me the most valuable beauty upkeep a woman can do on herself is:
1. Maintaining great Haircut/Hair color
2. Getting make-up that’s good for your skin.
3. Keeping yourself manicured/pedicured
4. Waxing and/or shaving all inappropriate body hair.
Now, between those four things, we’re looking at women spending thousands of dollars per year on just maintenance. After all, who wants to look at us when we’re shaggy or have underarms that look like we’re growing a national forest? I think the funnest moment is when you look at your underarms and legs and ask yourself, “oh my gods, when did I become European?”
When you’re single, those four things are pretty high on the list of priorities. A guy doesn’t want to kiss you if your mustache is thicker than his, or if you’ve got so much grey hair that your face may look 30, but your hair makes you look 60. (No offense to the 60-year-olds out there, I know plenty who are still rockin’ and hot) But I know they’ll agree with me when I say it all comes down to one word. Maintenance.
Anyone who’s endured pain for beauty will go with me on this…beauty hurts. It’s being plucked, tweezed, waxed, filed, buffed, painted, you name it, and in the name of beauty, we’ve probably done it all. Which brings us back to Tuesday and me on the phone…
I called down to my local favorite waxing boutique, aptly named “Box” and made an appointment to have my lip and brow done with one extra added service that I save for only the most dire of circumstances…a Brazilian.
I just saw 10 women just cross their legs and cringe. However ladies, tell me this…if you know you’re going to be heading down to the pool and whirlpool with a friend to just hang out, tell me, do you want to have anything else hanging out of your suit? If you remember like I do the scene out of the first Sex in the City movie where Miranda is by the pool and Samantha looks down and sees, well, a national forest sneaking out from Miranda’s bathing suit and cries out, “Wax much?” I heartily agreed with Samantha when she tells Miranda that she could be on death row and still not have that “situation”. Oy, just the thought of not having my business properly handled before donning a bathing suit will keep me out of the suit until I can get my “situation” taken care of.
So, without getting into too much detail and you scream out, “TMI! TMI!” I laid there and as I like to put it…”I got robbed.” You know, when you’re laying on the table and you’re politely chatting with your waxing technician, you forget what’s coming. You feel the wax go on, but what you’re not ready for is when the wax comes off. My usual reply to the ripping sensation is, “Holy Mother Mary!!!” and afterwards panting from the pain which abates quickly. However, with Brazilians, it’s not a fast process, no matter how quick your technician likes to make it. Hot wax, rip, hot wax, rip…it goes on for a bit as they take the Serengeti and clear cut the whole damn thing.
Now a lot of people ask me, “Sher, if it hurts so much, why do you do it?” Well, first, I only do it when I know a bathing suit is imminent. If there isn’t anything there, nothing can rear it’s ugly head to embarrass you. Second part is that it’s very clean, there’s no mistaking that you’ve not been maintaining yourself. Third part is for the girls who actually have men out there, you don’t want him coming into your bed and having to bring a machete and hunt for it, if you know what I mean.
Now, waxing this particular area of the body is nothing new. I know plenty of people who do it. On top of that, I know of a lot and I mean a LOT of men who do it too. Now there go the guys crossing their legs. Hey, don’t knock it. Ok, comedy time! Guys, if you think waxing isn’t for you, think of your woman for a moment, you appreciate it when we maintain ourselves, so ask yourself do you want her down there hunting for your business? I don’t think so… Come on guys, you want us to go down there, so at least make it an enticing experience so that you don’t have to beg.
It’s sexy, it’s fun (after you’ve had it done) and it’s just good maintenance. It says you’re proud of your body and when you share it with someone else, it not only gives you more security and enjoyment, it does the same for your partner!
My pal Chance (a purely platonic friend) is coming into town for my birthday weekend. He and I are going to lounge around the pool, catch some sun, drink our fill and have a great time. Now that I’ve gone through the pain, I can lounge around the pool without an ounce of stress which will increase my fun.
Waxing. It’s painful while you get it done, but afterwards the security, cleanliness and stress-free bathing suit wearing is so worth it. You just have to be willing to suck it up, be daring and lay down on the table.
Hey! Don’t run away!!! It didn’t happen to you…at least not yet. Chickens!